when this is fifteen months of gratitude

I hear him sing to Jackson over the hum of the suction machine. He gives me the gift of a long shower – take the time, Hil – and he scoops up our growing wonder of a son and they are off, dancing into the nursery, one or two quick passes with the suction catheter and back out to the living room, to the record player, to the lights on the Christmas tree and the windows that look out on the world he insists is more beautiful than I reckon it.

I am thinking these days about my husband.

I am thinking about how they tell you marriage is teamwork and then you learn it walking hallways mid-disagreement, mid-misunderstanding, and you knock on the door to your son’s NICU area and you transform. You pause the conversation, pause the disagreement, and you walk the space of knowing your son. You walk the space of trach changes and whether or not to up his amount of milk per feed. You walk the space of who will hold him, who will suction him, who will prep and clean up after the small extra things we do to love on this growing wonder. You walk the work of language, how we will talk about Jack, how we will ask others to talk about him. You walk the silent wonder at how many more people understand than you ever thought would.

I am thinking about how they tell you marriage is a great unfolding, a mystery, how you don’t know who it is you married until you are already past the aisle, the vows, and into the world.

The first time I Skyped with my husband I fell in love with him. He was sitting in a bistro, headphone cord dangling, and drinking coffee. I was drinking iced tea from our grocery store terrified that I wouldn’t seem casual enough. I was wearing running shorts and an old T-shirt; he’ll think I’m very athletic, that’ll be good. I talked too fast and not fast enough. One hour became five, the bistro closed, he called me on his cell phone from his driveway.

I couldn’t have told you then we’d have a son named Jackson who would bring us to the NICU in Temple for forty days. I couldn’t have told you then that we would learn how to care for a tracheostomy, that we would number hours and weeks like stars. I couldn’t have told you, staring at my computer screen one hot July night, that I would sit in the kitchen the first Sunday of Advent crying because I’ve never known someone to love so unapologetically.

You don’t know who you married until you do. And even when you do know, looking at a senior boy from Baylor in your computer screen late on a July night, you learn it for the first time every time.

This is a post about gratitude.

He remembers what day the trash collection is. He remembers what is in the fridge and in what order the leftovers can be eaten and recreated. He knows how to make Jack smile as they dance to the record player, to the Christmas tree, to the windows. He knows that this world is more beautiful than I reckon it most days. He knows to tell me that.

It is the first Sunday of Advent. I’m sitting in the kitchen while it rains outside and Jack sleeps nearby.

You don’t know who you married until you do. And you learn them again and again. And they will take your breath away.

Love,
hilary

One thought on “when this is fifteen months of gratitude

  1. Hilary, I read your writing and it so beautiful how much you love your small and mighty family. I’m so anxious to actually meet you hopefully sooner than later. Greg said you are absolutely a doll with a kind and loving spirit and gorgeous face.
    I always forward what you’ve written to Greg so he can see what’s inside your heart. I’ve included Shelby who also wants to meet you so she can know you too.
    Hope this season continues to bring you joy as you care for that precious boy.
    Looking forward to meeting and holding him too.
    Love, Aunt Kathy

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