it is simpler than you think

That is the funny thing about the mornings you wake up in a cold sweat from the fever that broke in the watches of the night: you lie there, and it is simple. Startlingly clear on the outskirts of your mind, in that just-before-fully-waking feeling, and you remember:

You remember all the nights you lay in your bed in your small cramped second floor apartment, crying into your pillow that there was no clarity, no plan, no guidance for what “after college” looked like.

You remember fighting God on runs around the pond, fighting the hope and the doubt, fighting the talking about the future and the avoiding of talking about it, and how the sunshine and the dirt and the water gathered by wind was beautiful, but you couldn’t pay enough attention to it.

You remember how when graduation had reached its sweet tearful conclusion, you took your parents’ car, the one you’d learned to drive on, and drove in circles listening to Holocene over, and over, watching Rt. 22 go by your windows, silent and fleeting, and you thought of how much, and how little, you understood about yourself.

Your remember how even then you didn’t totally believe that God had a good plan for you, and how you crept into bed amid piles of half-packed boxes and selfishly, you tried to insist to yourself that you could make it on your own, that you could find a better plan, or make one.

You remember how on July weekend days you ran away from your house into the stickiness along the quieter suburban hills, and God told you to trust Him and you didn’t know how.

But then, in the watches of the night, in February, in waiting for your fever to break, you also remember: 

You remember all the mornings you woke up and the sun shone through your window and the birds chirruped to each other a song that you just enjoyed, because it meant only that nature was beautiful and worth it.

You remember that He gave you a job at the time and walked you down the path towards it, and blessed you by keeping you closer to Him in the months that followed.

You remember that on the long drives and walks and not trusting rants in the woods last year, when at 21 you didn’t know if you could believe His plan was a good one, He still kept you in His grace. He still gave you wind gathering water and cool breezes and cupcakes on Sundays. He still gave you the words late on a Thursday night from an unexpected person that you saved and wondered over, about being saved as through a fire, and about the wonder that is His grace.

You remember that you still knew all the words to sing with you and your mom on Sunday afternoons.

It is simple: all of it because He loves you. 

It is simple: all of it, because He has a plan to draw you nearer to Him.

It is simpler than you think, as the morning wind greets you through the rickety panes of glass: all of it, because of Him.

Love,
hilary

One thought on “it is simpler than you think

  1. Hilary, there is so much in this post. I think a lot of us can relate (I know that my senior year was filled with fear and uncertainty), and it’s the place between the fear and the blessings that we need to find. I am constantly looking for it.

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